I would first like to say that my life and situation isn’t all bad all the time. I tend to only write these when I’m feeling down or lost or confused or anxious. When I’m not posting journal entries, I’m usually quite content so the longer the gaps, the better. But I’m back…
I’m writing tonight, it is 1:30am, about something I have realised over the last few weeks. I have fallen out of love with everything. Well almost everything because I do have a lot of love for my family and friends, but they seem to be becoming fewer and far between. I no longer love where I go to college, my course, writing, music, going out, drinking and even movies (something I never thought would happen). I’m also back to having no one that I’m interested in once again. My mind set has become warped and I let it happen. What is needed in my life is a drastic change but instead of waiting on that to happen, I need to make it happen. Over the next 6 weeks or so, I’m going to start making changes everywhere in my life. My life has been the same for the last 6 years or so. It has become dull and mouldy. It is time to break away from it and start a new era. I’ve finally come to terms that I am no longer a teenager, though I will use the term “twenteen” now and again (I know I’m the worst). It is time for me to grow up and stop hanging on to the past. I’ve been reminiscing quite a lot lately and realising that I have a lot of regrets. However, I realised that I wouldn’t change them because I wouldn’t be where or who I am today. Frankly I think it is time for a not so new but improved Paddy. Less holding back in some places and more restriction in others (I talk a lot). As you would know from reading my other journal entries, I constantly talk about change (I repeat a lot of things that I say in regular life so it is very appropriate) and I constantly critique myself. I am forever revaluating my life and overthinking. I care too much about what others think and it has gotten me into bad places sometimes. I can be too sensitive. I’m not saying that I can change this, I’m not going to change everything about me, but I’m going to approach certain aspects in my life differently in the hope that something may develop. What I am currently doing clearly isn’t working so do something new. It is a sad, boring and miserable life when you have nothing that you love in it and there is one place to begin… In the words of RuPaul
If you can’t love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else?
Can I get an Amen?
(PS: My ending was cheesy but appropriate. I apologise for nothing.)
(PPS: This entry got a lot more positive than I expected. Shows writing about problems can help fix them)
Smells, faces, thoughts, actions
Wheeling a suitcase through narrow alleys
Cuts, bumps and bruises
A case of hard knocks
Hiding in a motorway underpass
Je regrette tellement des choses
This is a special journal post because it’s about a dream. Actually it’s about a nightmare that I had this morning. I can’t remember a lot of it but I do remember some main points. It involved a lot of people I’ve become friends with lately around town. I kept wandering the streets looking for people and kept coming across different people that I knew but wouldn’t know well enough to stop and talk to for long. I then ended up outside my best mate’s house in Tallaght which is next door to mine. The door was open and I could see all his family were inside and were really frightened. There was a short man or woman outside the door with their back to me. I sensed that they might be a part of whatever was going on. I ended up leaving and going to a bus stop that was apparently for the bus to Maynooth. There stood two friends of mine. I stood with them for a little while; they weren’t going to Maynooth, and chatted before deciding that I didn’t want to get the bus back to Maynooth and left. I ended up walking up my street again and I saw some of the people I was with last night running away from my house. I went to check on my best friend’s house and his family were still there, but the figure wasn’t. I walked into my house to notice a key in the door and the door open. I stepped inside into this darkness and started climbing the stairs to find my family. I was terrified because I knew whoever was outside next door, was in the house but before I knew it I jumped with fright and woke up shaking and sweating. I didn’t even attempt to fall back asleep because all I could see was my dark staircase.
The reason I’ve told you all of this is because it reflects on my current situation. I don’t really believe in the interpretation of dreams or if they mean anything but this makes so much sense. What I see is that I want to be surrounded by people. I don’t want to go back to Maynooth. There isn’t anything for me in Tallaght, if there ever really was in the first place. And that I have become too attached to the friends I have made over the last few months that I spend my time wanting to be with them more than anyone else. This is scaring me because I have never felt this way about a group of people before and I’ve been part of many groups. It has me worried that when I go back to Maynooth on Sunday for my 2 weeks of exams, that there won’t be anything to come back to. The last 4 months have been the best of my entire life but I fear that they are coming to an end. Things are changing and I don’t know how they will turn out. I’m scared. Genuinely scared.
On a lighter note I also had a threesome sex dream with two guys I know but I woke up before it got good. What a shame.
Journal time again and it’s the same old stuff so skip it if you aren’t interested because it won’t get interesting. Just writing it because it’s been a while and right now I need a catharsis. Christmas was great. My family are great and it showed me how lucky I am to have such a nice, big family. However all I wanted to do was be with my friends. They’re more like family to me. Going into the New Year and I am very scared. I’m stressing out over things I shouldn’t be and not stressing out enough over the things I should be. I have severely complicated my life and the main way I did that was somewhere along the way I have fallen off the tracks and just given up. I have exams in a week and 6 overdue essays and I haven’t even thought about writing or studying. Have I actually fallen at the last hurdle? I have 4 months of college left and then I will be finished and have a degree which is at least something. But no. I’m just sitting here listening to music and over thinking every possible aspect of my life. Its times like these when I wish I had someone to just cuddle and be there for me and take my mind off everything. But I never had so I don’t know. I don’t know anything. I just want to love and be loved but who doesn’t. It’s a natural thing but I want to have it so bad because I’ve never had it. Ever. But I can’t have it. I think I’ve accepted that. I just want something or someone to get up for in the morning. To motivate me. Give me the drive that is lacking in my life and that I could put everything in order. For once in my life I just want someone to hug. Who would have thought it.
In other news, I’m sick again. Pretty sure of it. Have all the right symptoms. People are noticing that my skin is yellow, my abdomen hurts all the time, I have no appetite and my sleeping is fucked. It isn’t just from all the alcohol I’ve been drinking but from this unmotivated life I am currently stuck in. I was in a similar situation when I was at my worst and was told that if I didn’t change my organs would start to shut down. Fun right. I don’t want to start going back to hospital. I just need a slap in the face. A kick would probably be better. I don’t want to put people through worry but I will if this continues. I know I have given the answer to all of my problems while writing this and I should just do them but as I said before; I think I’ve just given up.
Sorry again for another one of my Positive Paddy posts but who knows. Maybe the next one will be. Or the one after. It’s a new year and 2013 could be Paddy’s year. Fingers crossed. Happy New Year.
Mediterranean spring in hazy Luton
Hot-headed canine, fun-loving pup
I sit in gardens of ripe strawberries
The smell fills my nose; I am calm
Comforted by a furry, tight embrace – I feel loved
Green water laps a stony shore
I laugh, we cry – I am somewhere new
Nostalgic summer melodies come from high towers
My eyes are fill with golds and soothing browns
Shaking leaves fall from the highest tree
I look for a lighthouse and smile
It is the sleeping giant that makes me feel at home
Pale sheets touch everything I see
A black jacket hangs on kind shoulders
A festival of strange sounds and shifting objects
A friendly face to warm the coldest of hearts
These seasons have made me stop
These seasons have forced me to look around
These seasons are mine
These seasons keep me going
It escorts me through my pilgrimage
An accustomed spectre that has worn out its welcome
Walks beside me in boxes of red, blue and silver,
Towards me in obelisks of this modern utopia,
Beneath me in rain’s temporary mirror,
Above me, it dances with my hopes and fears.
It jumps out amid susceptible opportunities,
Never mitigating in accordance with my desires.
Fire rushes like water from an unknown fountainhead within,
Pain and Anguish come to my ransom.
The tsunami has hit, the aftermath begins,
Temporary relief leads to suffering and deception,
It rankles me from the sun’s glare to the moon’s glow – never lifting.
A secret remedy that empties my unsung worries.
I find myself hidden in my own carnivorous walls.
Searching for the handle, I find the exit,
Yet, still unable to remove the tar from beneath my skin.
(In memory of Dan Coogan; 25th February 1991 – 7th November 2011)
Sunshine grows hazy with the breath of a cold morning.
I walk on tear soaked pavements.
Disbelief and denial saturate the air.
Black clothes, blank faces crowd into sacred ground.
Familiar people with unfamiliar expressions.
An eternity has passed since Monday night,
An event that defeated happiness and hope,
Like dinosaurs under a darkening sky.
There I saw you, surrounded by wood and glass,
Sitting on top of a beech coffin.
The truth burns from within like an enclosed flame.
Pew to aisle to cold brick wall filled with questioning minds.
Staggering parents and a sister’s heart retching eulogy.
Lumpy throats and wet cheeks.
The sound of a Blackbird echoes the empty space above;
Musician, funny man, dog lover, friend, best friend, boyfriend.
So many titles for one special person.
Few bad words, nothing but fond memories.
Quiet, like the first snow of winter, yet just as noticeable.
You were as comforting as the change in the seasons or the moon’s presence,
Fitting into a backdrop of grey lockers and blue skies,
Adding a sense of normality in an ever changing world,
You filled the air with your silent charm and cigarette smoke.
From playing games between the white lines to lunchtime freedom,
12 years in common, gone by so fast.
Your absence will be seen in all the lives you touched, the hearts you dwell in.
Only now could you see how many cared for you,
The many lives that stopped to see you off.
The many friends who would have listened.
Happy smiles turn to downward glares of despair.
Tears stain my page as my pen trembles.
Nothing that I write now or ever can do the justice you deserve.
You left us high and dry with nothing else to face.
Blame will only deepen these open wounds.
Watch over the people who care for you the most,
They struggle with the burden they carry.
Help them with the weight until they can let it go with you.
Let the hurt fade; give time for the roses to blossom where your body lies.
You are with us still, every day,
You aren’t really gone. You live on through us.
It seems that I am going backwards. I’ve made a lot of progress over the last year but recently I fear that I’m sinking back into my depression. Ever since the lead up to Dan’s anniversary, it has made me start asking questions again. The worst thing however is that it has forced me to look at myself, my life and where I am now. The results weren’t good.
- College: I am failing at college. This is my last year and I still haven’t gotten into my head of the idea that actually doing work will pay off. I’m scared that I won’t pass this year and therefore won’t graduate.
- Work: I still have no job and because my grant still hasn’t come in, I am completely broke. I can’t afford to feed myself broke. My parents don’t have the money to give to me but they still do and that tears me up inside. I hate being such a burden. I hate how people are making sacrifices for me. I don’t deserve it.
- Health: It has deteriorated drastically and I’m not talking because I have the flu. I fear that my liver is acting up again. I haven’t been this bad in 5 years. I really don’t want to go back to constant blood tests and meds. I thought I was over it but with the way I have been treating my body, I wouldn’t be surprised.
- Love life: It is non-existent and has been for quite some time. The worst part is that I have no desire to have one. There is no one I like in a way that would make me go for it. I’m just numb. I can’t really see why anyone would be willing either, especially in this situation and state of mind. I’m not a very nice person.
- Future: Even if I do graduate, I have no idea what I want to do. The career that I want is in writing and film but in this day and age it is unrealistic without having money behind you. That saying…
- Talent: I’m not good enough to do anything that I want to do. I don’t have the ambition, the determination, the motivation or the sheer talent to succeed in anything that I want.
I have only managed to become an even greater disappointment to myself and those around me. I am consumed with a constant sense of self-loathing. Day after day I just add up all the reasons, all the attributes that make me hate myself more and more. I’ve decided to go back to counselling for the first time since 1st year. I’d like to deal with this before I get sucked back into the mess that I made for myself. The vortex that is depression. I can’t go through that again because I’m afraid I won’t come out of it. There is one more point however that I discovered when looking at my current situation. I didn’t mention it with the other because I wanted to end on a happy note.
- Friends: I am the luckiest person alive when it comes to the people that I can call friends. Friendship is something that I believe people take for granted. I however cherish every person that allows me to call them my friend. I am surrounded by so many though I don’t get to see some as often as I should and that is my fault. Sometimes I do not try hard enough to make the effort but that does not mean I care any less for them. I haven’t seen some of my best friends either but when it comes to them I know that once we’re together it will feel like no time has passed. Also, recently I have met some of the sweetest, most interesting people I have ever known. They are so caring and such a joy to be around. Whenever I am with them, all my problems escape me and I can enjoy life. They have really changed my life and the more I’m with them, the better it gets.
The reason I am writing this is so I cannot run from it anymore. There are things I need to change and stop hiding from. The only person who is going to change this is me. That is exactly what I’m going to do.
This evening, a year ago, I got a phone call from my niece who was at a Katy Perry concert to tell me that Dan Coogan, a guy I had been in school with since I was in junior infants, had died. Dan and I weren’t great friends, we had a lot of the same friends and we always said hello but we never had big conversations together. We just happened to always be in the same places. He was in the year above. We went to the same primary and secondary schools since he lived down the road from me. I saw him every day of my school life, except for 6th class and 6th year where he wasn’t in my school anymore. Even after school I would see him every week walking his dog by the church. He was also in a relationship with one of my good friends for 2 years. As I said, we weren’t great friends but to me, Dan was part of my backdrop. He was normality to me. Seeing him every day. Just like brushing my teeth. Now that he is gone, it was as if a black hole opened up in the sky. You can’t help but notice something that was always there and now is gone.
A few hours later I discovered that Dan had killed himself. This came exactly 3 weeks after another guy from the area killed himself as well. I know everyone says that ‘they were the last person you would expect’ but he was. I had never been so shocked in my entire life. What made it worse was that my friend had broken up with Dan about two months previous and my heart broke for her. I knew she would be blaming herself and that made me break down. I thought of all my friends who were close to Dan and how they must be feeling. There is nothing worse than knowing the people you love and care about most are hurting in such a way that you can’t do anything about it.
Three days later was the funeral. Dan was a very quiet guy and wasn’t hugely popular. He had his group of friends and that was it. It took something like this to prove how popular he was. The church where I live is very big but it still didn’t manage to fit the hundreds of people that came to see Dan off. I saw people I hadn’t seen in over two years from the year above me in school. I always saw them laughing and smiling and now I was looking at their tear soaked faces. The worst was seeing his family get up on to the altar to read and break down. This wasn’t meant to happen.
We went to a pub after the burial. There was the usual hugs and sorrys but everyone knew it didn’t mean much when a son, a brother, a friend, a best friend, a boyfriend was now gone forever. I couldn’t get my head around seeing some of Dan’s best friends, who I would have been friends with, people who were strong and so full of life to now be shells of their former selves. It broke my heart. I stayed in the pub longer than any of the people I came with. Thinking about it now I feel I might have been intruding. I eventually left hours later because I was too drunk. I got home and cried for two hours after seeing all those devastated lives.
It was now that I gained a new perspective on life. I was suffering from depression and had been for five years. Everything to me was dark and I saw myself with no future. This all changed when I saw the faces of people I cared about decimated with the loss of someone they cared about. To see so many people in that church crying their eyes out over someone who didn’t know he was cared for by so many. Someone who could have just spoken to someone. Someone who had so many people who would have listened. It was a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
What I have taken away from Dan Coogan’s death this day last year is that I don’t want to be the cause of so many people’s suffering. Seeing so many people that sad makes me want to make many more people as happy as possible. I want to care for my family and friends. I want to be there to help them through whatever pain and trouble they go through in life. I want to be there to listen to what they have to say. I want to be there to love them for as long as I possibly can.
I want you to know that I am here for you, even if we aren’t great friends, even if I don’t know you, I am here for you. I am here to listen to anything you have to say. If there is anything I can do to help you then just tell me. I don’t want to see what I saw in that church again. There are people who will listen. Don’t think you are annoying them or burdening them with your problems. We want to help you rather than see the alternative. I want to show as many people this new perspective that I have of life without them having to go through the same process. I love you and I am here for you if and when you need me.
R.I.P Daniel Coogan (25th of February 1991 – 7th of November 2011)
Gone but never forgotten
Typical Paddy <3
I’ve got the post movie blues. I get down knowing that I won’t feel the same way watching the movie again and that my life will never be like it. Sometimes I should really get a grip on reality hahaha.
Today has dragged so much that I’ve ended up back on this. To bring you up to date with my life: I am now in my 3rd year (final year) of college and I haven’t done a tap. I’ve also been drinking so much lately that I am genuinely worried about my health for the first time in 5 years. My hangovers last all day and my general body functions are all over the place. I’ve even started shaking now and again. I have pretty much lost all control of my life and seriously need to get on track or else I will fail my degree and disappoint even more people. The thing is that I haven’t worked at all in Uni or in school. I have just managed to get through life by sheer luck. I wonder sometimes what things would be like if I had ever tried at anything but there is no point on dwelling on stuff you can’t change. I think I might be scared of failing and disappointing myself and others I care about. I just need to slap some sense into myself and get on with it. I spend too much time complaining and procrastinating instead of actually doing what I need to. Less talk, more action.
Other than this life is pretty good. I have the best mates around and they mean everything to me. They are my world. However, some of them have been going through really tough times lately and are really down. I feel helpless because nothing I can do can change what they’re going through. I just wish I could make them happy and that things will get better. They don’t deserve to be in their situations. What really sucks is that they have been there for me and have pulled me out of the darkest of places and all I want to do is to try and do the same for them. They’re better friends to me than I am to them. I know one thing for sure and that is that things will get better for them. Even though it’s tough, these things don’t last forever. I love them and I just want them to know that. <3
I’ll finish on this: Could someone please come with me to see Perks of Being a Wallflower this week? The fact I haven’t seen it yet is soul destroying.
Back once again. Probably because I’m back from my niece’s Christening, am very bored and drinking shots of Jack Daniels on my own because I was already tipsy. Hope whoever is bored enough to read this is doing well and living the dream. I’m going to update you on how my perspective has changed since I last wrote (yeah I know, how boring but sure fuck it.)
Last time I was obsessed with someone and to be honest, I still am. My views, decisions and general life is often based around them when I hear they are involved. It is very weak and sad of me but I cannot help it. IT is probably due to never liking anyone and now it is hitting me at once. IT can get me really depressed sometimes when they ignore me or treat me differently, like tonight, probably why I am writing this. I’m sure everyone has been in my position. I would never call it “love” because I don’t think I have ever felt it in a romantic way. Sure it gives me something to look forward to (how optimistic of me aka how very unPaddy). In a way I like it because it is exciting to like someone so much. You get to live the highs and lows rather than the dull monotony of going through life never caring. I am not entirely lonely. I feel my love life is kinda like Dimitar Berbatov. I can score if I try but never seem to get to play in the big games and if I do I never score. Football if you don’t know what I’m talking about. It is the life you lead I guess.
HOWEVER, (finally some change) I have become a lot better and have managed to change my perspective. Well, someone else changed my perspective. My goal, which was trying to be around said person a lot of the time, is now accomplishing my own true happiness. How cheesy do I sound but I am tipsy and rather horny so I could not give two shits. I am now out to make myself as happy as possible, regardless of others. That may sound very selfish, probably because it is, but if it makes you happy than why not? If I manage to keep myself motivated then this next year (or 3) could be a real changing point in my life. I am looking forward to it and hopefully if I am bothered or actually use my Tumb1r or if you even notice, I may keep you updated. Until then get as drunk as possible, and if you don’t drink, you should really take it up. It is great craic. Ending on a happy note feels odd. Lets hope it becomes the norm yeah? Until next time, adieu.
Typical Paddy (:
Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about daydreaming and fantasising, and if it is worthwhile, probably because I’ve been doing a lot of daydreaming also, which has made me late for many things. I both love and loath it. It can be a lot of fun and a distraction from shit things and even shittier people but I’ve been doing a lot of daydreaming while I’m on my own, usually just lying in bed, mainly about a person I care about. I assume I’m like most people and I make up ideal situations and plan out things I’m going to say and that it is all going to work out the way I want it to. Though in reality, nine times out of ten its out the window before I even get a chance to put things into motion. Surely, this means that daydreaming and fantasising will just lead to disappointment. Some might say that the worst possible thing anyone can go through is to live their greatest fear. I think otherwise. The worst thing someone can go through is to live their greatest hope/wish and then for it to be taken away, leaving them in the knowledge that nothing that they ever go through will ever live up to that moment ever again. So why do it to ourselves? I make up situations where I can be with someone and not fear rejection or being ostracised when that won’t be the case in reality. Is there any point in fooling myself to think otherwise? To try and make myself believe in something that just isn’t possible? Nevertheless, we are all slaves to our emotions and whether I like it or not, it is just going to continue. I’d just wish I could move on to the next person instead of dragging this one out.
I forge my own course, making my mark,
Side-by-side with helping hands,
I avoid the rip-curls that linger around us.
This woosh signals my progress.
That horizon shows my goal, our goal.
A coterie that keeps me moving.
1 + 1 does not make 2 but infinite possibilities.
From the puddles that dot our meandering courses
To those threatening seas that separate lovers,
Arms locked, we push forward against the rising waves,
Moving from darkest blue to the brightest skies.
Someone there to pull me from the depths,
Or to ride the tide to the tune of the moon.
A bond unbreakable, a love undying.
Inside the quiet and the exuberant.
Within the scared and the fearless.
As old as the oceans that surround us,
Overflowing, forever mighty.
It is a force that takes hold with great acceptance.